I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
