Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
