Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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