I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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