Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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