Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
