Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
