How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
