Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
