apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I need a beard to bite.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
