i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize