Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
