I wanna bring you to show and tell
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
