in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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