i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
