Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Randomize
