my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
