he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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