Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize