420 ftw
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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