i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
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