Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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