i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
How's work?
Spinning.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
