I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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