She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
