fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
one might say we're banned from that church
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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