he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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