so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
