I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize