Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
