I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
where are you?
Hypothermia
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
