That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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