final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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