you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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