I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
