Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
