o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
