woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
