C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize