Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
