You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
