Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
