quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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