Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
