It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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