So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Randomize
