none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
