My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
