so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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