i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
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