Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
