I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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