i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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