There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
