So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
