You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
