I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just forgot I was standing up.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Randomize
