If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
lol hangovers are for mortals.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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