saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
