i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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