I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm at about main and main street
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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