Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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