you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Naked. naked and bneed help.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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