why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize