she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
